The words that shape our lives

By Dr. Inas Hanna

During the first months of her life in a new country, Maryam began every morning by opening her email, submitting job applications and waiting.

She had years of experience, strong qualifications and a genuine desire to rebuild her professional life. Yet after every rejection, she heard the same comments:

“Starting again at your age will be difficult.”

“Your previous experience will not count here.”

“Your language skills are not strong enough.”

“Perhaps you should simply accept any job you can find.”

At first, Maryam resisted these words. Gradually, however, she began repeating them to herself.

“The road is difficult” became “Perhaps I cannot do this.”

“Perhaps I cannot do this” eventually became “I am not qualified.”

Over time, she submitted fewer applications and stopped pursuing opportunities that required courage or confidence. Not every door had been closed to her, but she was slowly giving up on knocking.

This is not a story about Maryam’s weakness. It is a story about the power of repeated words: how an outside opinion can become an internal voice, how that voice can develop into a belief, and how a belief can begin directing a person’s life.

We do not merely use words to describe our lives. We also use them to shape the way we see ourselves within them.

This does not mean that positive phrases can magically change reality. Words alone cannot secure a job, resolve a financial crisis or remove genuine obstacles. They can, however, influence the way we respond to those obstacles.

Psychologist Albert Bandura’s concept of self-efficacy describes a person’s belief in their ability to complete a particular task. That belief can affect the challenges people choose, the effort they make and how long they continue when difficulties arise.

Someone who believes they can learn is likely to behave differently from someone who has already decided they are incapable before making the first attempt.

Cognitive behavioural therapy also emphasizes the relationship between thoughts, emotions and behaviour. A thought is not necessarily a fact, but it can influence how we feel and, consequently, how we act.

Consider the sentence: “I always fail.”

When a person repeats it, they may enter the next experience expecting failure. They might hesitate, prepare less effectively or avoid trying altogether. When the desired result does not occur, they say, “I knew I would fail.”

The behaviour created by the belief then becomes evidence used to reinforce that same belief.

Words do not always predict the future, but they can encourage us to behave in ways that bring the future closer to what we feared.

Some of the most damaging words do not come from strangers. They come from people we love and trust.

“You are not suited to this field.”

“It is too late to change.”

“Do not dream too big, or you will be disappointed.”

“People like us do not succeed at these things.”

Such comments may not be intended to cause harm. People may be projecting their own fears, limitations or disappointments. They may even believe they are protecting us.

But another person’s fear is not a prophecy about our future.

Their experience should not become the definition of our identity.

Maturity does not mean rejecting every criticism. It means learning to distinguish between advice that provides useful information and words that remove our willingness to try.

Healthy advice says: “This path requires preparation. How can you prepare for it?”

Negativity says: “Do not try, because you will fail.”

The first statement opens the door to reflection and action. The second closes it.

Protecting ourselves also does not require repeating unrealistic affirmations that we do not believe. Saying, “I am the best, and I will never fail,” may create an uncomfortable distance between our words and our genuine feelings.

A more honest statement might be: “I may not know the entire path, but I can learn the next step.”

Instead of saying, “I am weak,” try: “I am going through a difficult period, but this period is not my identity.”

Instead of saying, “It is too late,” say: “My beginning may not be early, but it is still possible.”

The most powerful words are not necessarily the most impressive. They are the words that are truthful, compassionate and fair. They acknowledge difficulty without closing the door to growth.

Begin by noticing the language you use with yourself.

When you make a mistake, do you say, “I made a mistake,” or “I am a failure”?

The first statement describes an event that can be understood and corrected. The second turns a temporary experience into a permanent judgement about the whole person.

When a harsh thought appears, pause and examine it. Ask yourself: Where did this belief come from? Is it a fact or a fear? Does it apply in every situation, or is it based on one painful experience? What evidence challenges it? What would be a more balanced and realistic statement?

It can also help to ask: What would I say to someone I love if they were speaking about themselves this way?

After months of discouragement, Maryam attended a professional meeting. There, she met a woman who had experienced similar challenges.

The woman told her: “Perhaps employers are not rejecting you because you have no value. You may simply need to learn how to present your experience in a way this market understands.”

It was a simple sentence, but it moved Maryam from asking, “What is wrong with me?” to asking, “What skill do I need to develop?”

She revised her résumé, requested professional feedback, practised interviews and began applying for opportunities she had previously avoided.

Her life did not change overnight, and the obstacles did not disappear. But her relationship with herself changed.

When her internal language changed, the questions she asked changed. When the questions changed, so did the actions she was willing to take.

We cannot control every word that has been spoken to us, nor can we erase every painful experience. But we can reconsider the words we have accepted as unquestionable truths.

Ask yourself: What sentence do I repeat about myself every day? Who might I become if I stopped treating it as a final judgement?

Choose your words carefully.

The words you speak to yourself today may become tomorrow’s beliefs, and those beliefs may determine which doors you knock on, which opportunities you recognize and which life you permit yourself to pursue.

Do not allow a passing voice to write the story of your life.