A Ray Through the Coffin

When She Learned to Rise Alone

By the writer Omayma Abdel Aziz

The steps would not steady beneath my feet. I clung to the railing, breathless, trying to catch up with him. Yet I knew, even then, that he would not have cared if I had.

He had left everything behind. He was often angry, but this time, he had chosen not to forgive me.

Maha’s mind went blank. Her foot lost all feeling, yet it remained pressed against the accelerator. The car overturned. Then came darkness.

“Amer... Amer... why are you running from me? What have I done to deserve this? How am I supposed to change who I am? You ask for the impossible.

Please, do not leave me like this... Amer... Amer... do not push me. I am standing on the edge of an abyss. Let me go. What are you doing? I will fall...”

“Wake up, madam. Don’t be afraid. You are safe now. The danger has passed.”

“My head... what happened? Where am I? Who are you?”

“You are in the hospital after your car overturned and crashed into a tree. Please try to remain calm. You have suffered a concussion.”

Three days passed after the accident.

There was no catching up with him now. It was over. He had left for Moscow. Silence had arrived at last, after words had lost all meaning.

On the third day after his departure, I was still alive.

For ten years, I had not made a single decision for myself. Life had become nothing but Amer: his desires, his triumphs, the things he loved and the things he despised. I had allowed myself to fade so that he could stand at the summit. And then he cast me into the abyss.

I felt frozen, as though I were trapped inside a block of ice at the bottom of the sea.
For ten years, we had lived beneath one roof. I had closed all my doors for him. Never once had I stood before my own reflection and asked who I was. I had accepted my place behind him. His success became the only success I allowed myself to claim.

The first time I saw him, I was drawn to him at once. He was handsome, polished, ambitious, comfortable in the world. He worked in tourism and was pursuing a doctorate in economics. He came with a friend of my father’s, looking for a bride who was beautiful, educated, and from a good family.

Our marriage was a dream that never quite became real.

I loved him as a husband.
He used me as a set of steps.

The disagreements began small, then gathered over the years until our sky grew heavy with dark clouds.

“Amer, I feel something is wrong.”

“Do you not know why? How many times have I told you to stay silent when I am with my friends?”

“You did tell me. But I could not. Everyone was speaking. I wanted to share my opinion, and they all praised what I said.”

“They were only being polite because you are my wife. I have had enough. Tomorrow I am going to Moscow alone. I will be meeting important people there, and I will not tolerate mistakes in those meetings. I may be away for a long time. I do not know when I will return.”

“Amer, what are you trying to say? Do I no longer suit you now that you have your new position? Then say it plainly.”

“We need to sleep now. I have a long day ahead.”

He fell asleep, leaving insomnia to tear through me.
Was this the end?
And if it was, what would become of me after I had cut myself off from the whole world just to please him? Would they turn me away if I tried to return? I had to try. I would wake before him, beg him, promise that I would never speak out of turn again.

“Mrs. Maha, congratulations. The doctor has approved your discharge tomorrow after his morning round. Please call a relative to help you. You need complete rest for another week.”

“Discharge? Don’t worry. There is no one left to call. I pushed them all toward the edge myself. I will go home alone. I will take care of myself, as I always knew how to take care of others.”

Time rushed forward, while the clock on her wall seemed to move with painful slowness.
She became certain that he had left for good. Depression settled over everything, and her attempts to step beyond it were weak and desperate.

As her money began to disappear, Maha went out in search of work for the first time in her life.
She had just passed forty.
She met many faces, knocked on many doors, and tried to climb out of the abyss.
But she found nothing that suited the woman she truly was.
Only the woman who had long neglected her own worth.

She found work as a secretary in Ibrahim Bey’s factory. He took advantage of her need for employment, making her do the cleaning as well and prepare tea and coffee for guests and employees. In spite of her education and refinement, she could neither protest nor refuse.

As always, she worked in silence.

Despite the pain, both physical and emotional, she gave herself fully to the job. She carried more than her share without complaint. In time, she learned everything, every small detail. She met all kinds of people, the kind and the cruel, and saw more of life than she ever had before. Her narrow understanding of the world began to widen. She won people over with the quiet maternal warmth that shaped her every response.

Amer came back looking for her after failing to find another woman who would give him her years and her heart.
He tried to draw her back into his arms.

But she rejected him from the deepest place within her.
He had become a stranger.

Months passed, and Maha fell ill.
She could no longer work and was forced to stay home for several days.
Ibrahim Bey felt the disorder her absence created. For the first time, he truly understood her value. He feared she might leave because of how difficult the work had been.

When she returned, she found a comfortable chair waiting for her in a place more worthy of her. She was relieved of the cleaning and serving duties and promoted to office manager.

For the first time in her life, Maha felt the taste of her own success.

At last, a ray of sunlight broke through the clouds.
She worked until the darkness lifted.
And there, above her, her dreams appeared like stars across a clear and open sky.

Little by little, she came to know her own abilities. She realized that his friends had not been flattering her after all. She felt her footing grow steady. A smile found its way back to her lips.

Amer stepped aside for good when he saw a new light in her eyes.
He understood, at last, that she was no longer the steps beneath him.

She had learned how to rise on her own.